Growing up, I frequently heard the adage, “When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back to you.” The saying correlated with biblical teaching I also learned, as Matthew 7:3 states, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
These lessons relate to personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). In particular, they address the experience of blame—to find fault with or hold responsible for. When practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I keep in mind personal ownership.
This lesson is as important in my own life as it is within the lives of the clients with whom I work. For instance, I could spend a significant amount of time pointing out self-disturbing beliefs which other people use, though I have my own unhelpful beliefs with which I also contend.
Therefore, I use rational compassion when assisting people with their problems, as not to blame individuals for upsetting themselves. Still, a significant portion of REBT practice entails identification of self-upsetting beliefs which may be misperceived as a form of blame.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
Furthermore, this helpful psychotherapeutic modality uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Given how people sometimes mistakenly believe that any identification of their self-disturbing beliefs may constitute an evaluation of these individuals, I understand how people could interpret blame as stemming from the practice of REBT. However, people aren’t their beliefs.
Moreover, whenever practicing REBT I invite people to consider that this modality doesn’t promote the use of blame. The late psychologist who developed REBT, Albert Ellis, once stated in the interest of personal ownership:
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.
This is an empowering approach to problem-solving. Further contemplating blame, I think of rapper and singer Rod Wave’s song “Blame on You,” as the chorus states:
Wanna put the blame on me, but the blame on you
You did it wrong, such a shame on you (Yeah, yeah)
Had to leave ya ‘lone, what it came down to (Came down to)
How ya change on me? I wouldn’t change on you (Yeah, I wouldn’t change on you)
Goodbye, so long, farewell (Long, farewell)
It ain’t a loss, it’s just a lesson and a story to tell
It’s just a blessing in disguise, I know the story so well (So well, so well, so well)
Noteworthy, Rod Wave references shame. In a blogpost entitled Shame Attacking, I made the following distinction between guilt and shame by stating:
When working with clients, I find it worthy to differentiate guilt from shame. Guilt (from inside) is something I take credit for, as shame (from outside) is something others assign credit for.
Generally speaking, when people play the blame game they’re advocating shame. As an example, person X lies to person Y about being faithful in marriage and when the infidelity is discovered person Y blames person X for an unpleasant emotional consequence.
Noteworthy, from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example of an A-C connection, if a person X cheats with someone who has a sexually transmitted infection (STI; Action), person X make also develop an STI (Consequence). Events occurring in the natural world can lead to direct outcomes.
Still, demonstrating a B-C connection, if person Y learns of person X’s infidelity (Action) and Believes, “Disloyalty shouldn’t ever occur,” this inflexible assumption will likely cause anger (Consequence). Thus, person Y self-disturbs from a psychological standpoint.
Ineffectively dealing with the unpleasant consequence of an unhelpful belief, person Y then blames person X for the emotional outcome. Regarding this matter, Ellis and a coauthor stated:
We can designate the essence of emotional disturbance in a single word: blaming—or damning. If you would stop, really stop, damning yourself, others, or unkind fate, you would find it virtually impossible to feel emotionally upset about anything. And you can probably omit “virtually” from the preceding sentence. But you probably do, frequently, condemn yourselves and others.
Thus, when Rod Wave states, “Wanna put the blame on me, but the [blame’s] on you,” he accurately asserts that the consequence of one’s irrational beliefs is something for which an individual may take personal ownership. Empowered by this realization, he concludes, “It ain’t a loss, it’s just a lesson and a story to tell.”
Using information from Ellis and Rod Wave as psychoeducational lessons expressed herein, I invite you to consider that blaming isn’t as helpful as you may’ve believed it was prior to reading this blogpost. Rarely, if ever, is it useful. Regarding this point, Ellis also stated:
The purpose of REBT group (and individual) therapy is to show clients how they are not only assessing and blaming what they do but also damning themselves for doing it; how they are also evaluating others’ behavior and damning these others for their “bad” behavior; and how they are noting environmental difficulties and (externally and internally) whining about them, instead of constructively trying to change or avoid them.
Given the consideration outlined herein, what will you do from this point forward? Will you whine about the self-induced consequence of your beliefs while blaming others for your condition?
Will you take personal ownership for the unpleasant result of your unhelpful assumptions? Or will you perhaps do something else such as taking no action at all while pretending some unfalsifiable force is in control of your behavior, letting life unfold as a process of chance?
The choice is yours. As for me and the clients with whom I work, I advocate the practice of personal ownership. In REBT, we don’t blame others, because we understand that we have three fingers pointed back at us if unhelpfully choosing to do so.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
College of Cognitive Behavioural Therapies. (n.d.). Albert Ellis, founder of REBT, in his own words. Retrieved from https://www.cbttherapies.org.uk/2022/02/09/albert-ellis-founder-of-rebt-in-his-own-words/
Ellis, A. (2001). Overcoming destructive beliefs, feelings, and behaviors. Prometheus Books. Retrieved from https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/overcoming-destructive-beliefs-feelings-and-behaviors-new-directions-for-rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-9781615920150-1615920153.html
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1975). A new guide to rational living. Wilshire Book Co. Retrieved from https://archive.org/details/newguidetoration00elli
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Master1305. (n.d.). Overbearing businessman point you and want you, half length closeup portrait on pink [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/overbearing-businessman-point-you-want-you-half-length-closeup-portrait-pink_8098734.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=9&uuid=89e098e9-e250-49d0-92b2-d58b8402d116
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