If you’ve mistaken the photo for this blogpost as potentially associated with misandry regarding the “man or bear” craze that recently swept social media, you’re likely going to be disappointed by your beliefs about my decision not to participate in that asinine social debate.
The current post has nothing to do with that. Rather, I searched artificial intelligence images of a bear hug—a rough, tight embrace—and discovered this image. This is because the current blog entry addresses a word that has different meanings.
Pressure may be defined as continuous physical force exerted on or against an object by something in contact with it. Imagining the sheer power of a grizzly bear hugging a person, I suspect pressure is an adequate description of this sort of embrace.
Still, pressure can also be defined as the burden of physical, mental, or emotional distress. The distinction here is that “physical” can relate to the force of a bear’s hug, “mental” can be associated with one’s belief system regarding the event, and “emotional” concerns the consequences of one’s beliefs.
To elucidate, consider that I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). This form of cognitive behavior therapy examines how one’s mental processes have a direct impact on one’s emotional response to such cognitive function.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
Therefore, from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if a bear mauls you (Action), you may die (Consequence). After all, that naturalistic world A-C connection is plausible. According to one source, “Statistics suggest there have been over 180 fatal bear attacks in North America since 1784.”
However, suppose you survive and are instead severely wounded (Action). Regarding the attack, you Believe, “I can’t stand that I was mauled!” As a result of this assumption, you experience sorrow, your entire body feels heavy, and you contemplate suicide (Consequence).
Although the A-C connection serves as a naturalistic chain of events, you disturb yourself about the matter using a B-C connection, which represents the mental impact on emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral processes. As such, your beliefs cause pressure.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance (LFT), and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
For the focus of this blogpost, I’ll contrast LFT (e.g., I can’t stand pressure) versus high frustration tolerance (HFT; I can stand [tolerate] pressure). Although somewhat convoluted, when thinking of applied pressure I’m reminded of a particular hip hop song.
On their 2022 album Son Tzu & The Wav.God, duo Daniel Son and Futurewave released a song entitled “Stove Dance.” Sometimes, I extract entire verses from tracks to illustrate an REBT point. Other times, I use specific lines. Herein, I’ll perform the latter. Lyrics include:
Nowadays, I put less trust in a handshake
‘Cause I know I apply the pressure that they can’t take
Moves that they make now is the moves I made for ‘em
When they’re signed as free agents, I would never trade for ‘em
Daniel Son expresses personal transformation regarding his method of interacting with others. Presumably, he used to trust people and rely on handshakes as a sign of commitment. Growing up, I recall handshakes serving as a sometimes legally-binding agreement of one’s promise.
Over time, people change and so do customs and traditions. I imagine that when the rapper states, “I apply the pressure that they can’t take,” he’s referring to both meanings of the word “pressure” while also addressing intolerance or LFT.
Pressure in the form of continuous physical force exerted on one’s hand once represented one’s level of commitment to a promise. From boyhood, I was taught to use a firm handshake with other males as a matter of signaling the virtue of my character.
For those who can’t take the physical pressure, it’s presumed that they aren’t matching one’s dedication to what it means to be a committed man. Understandably, people in modernity may reject what they perceive as an antiquated ritual of masculinity concerning handshakes.
In any case, Daniel Son’s line could also allude to pressure in the form of a burden regarding physical, mental, or emotional distress. If the person who shakes hands with the rapper can’t tolerate Daniel Son’s expectations of manliness, then one is said not to tolerate the pressure.
From an LFT perspective, one may believe, “I can’t take the pressure of knowing Daniel Son holds me to a higher standard than what I’m actually offering.” This self-disturbing narrative can cause fear, anxiousness, resentment, or even shame.
Interestingly, Daniel Son mentions that at some point he realized that the untrustworthy people with whom he associates have apparently done very little in the way of advancing the relationship. Historically, as though they signed on as free agents of his team, Daniel Son wouldn’t have traded these individuals.
However, now that the rapper considers these people untrustworthy and unable to tolerate distress, Daniel Son places less value in their handshake (commitment). When contemplating this matter, I think of the perspective regarding Daniel Son and whomever it is that shakes his hand.
Firstly, the rapper uses a form of demandingness which essentially suggests, “People should behave as I want them to.” However, there’s no empirical truth that makes this a valid statement.
Although Daniel Son may prefer that people would commit to social norms and behave in a trustworthy manner, they’re under no obligation to behave in any particular way. Therefore, the application of pressure is unnecessary when one’s own beliefs can simply be modified.
Secondly, a person who uses an LFT narrative related to the perceived inability to tolerate Daniel Son’s pressure may benefit from disputing unproductive beliefs. Is it true that one cannot tolerate the pressure of knowing Daniel Son holds people to higher standards?
Although one may find the rapper’s expectations for relationships displeasing, is it not empowering to verbalize what one is willing to withstand rather than what one perceivably can’t stand? Self-advocacy in this manner leads to HFT – the ability to tolerate setting healthy boundaries.
Worth noting, “Stove Dance” has completely separate beats for the first and second verses. Likewise, the theme of these verses is transitional. For the second verse, Daniel Son appears to use what in REBT is known as unconditional acceptance. Lyrics include:
Now, I run a business, fam, everything legal now
I’m just tryin’ to do right, tryin’ to make my people proud
Had to lose a couple of ‘em, with that, I could keep ‘em ‘round
Having apparently turned from a life of crime, Daniel Son expresses that he’s improved himself and tries to influence others to be proud of him. When stating, “Had to lose a couple of ‘em,” the rapper utilizes a preferential should narrative.
Unlike the self-disturbing absolutistic should statement, a preferential should (“had to”) serves as one’s productive preference. Ergo, it’s as though Daniel Son is stating, “I should lose a couple people, with that, I can’t keep them around.”
Shifting from the pressure of a handshake to that applied by a bear hug, we sometimes hold tightly to those who don’t share similar interests and goals. Even when individuals clearly demonstrate through their actions that they remain untrustworthy or uncommitted, we apply pressure to keep them close.
However, when unconditionally accepting people as fallible human beings and then determining that acceptance of their imperfection isn’t the same thing as accepting them into our life, we can release applied pressure and simply let them go. This is an act of rational compassion for oneself and others.
Physical, mental, and emotion pressure doesn’t have to be something to which we rigidly use in order to establish healthy connections. If you’d like to know more about how to be kinder to yourself and others – even when that means letting go of people – I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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