It was one of those catchy songs I heard in junior high school about which I knew very little. In fact, all I could recite with any confidence was the acapella line “da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da” which was laid over a beat that could either relate to hip hop or electronic dance music (EDM).
For those who retain memory from 1990, you likely heard the DNA remix of Suzanne Vega’s song “Tom’s Diner.” The track captures a moment in time regarding the lives of different people who visit an eatery. Still, I knew little about the actual meaning of the song until later in life.
Describing her intentions concerning the track, Vega stated, “The idea behind the whole song…you know, some people say, ‘Oh, it’s a song about breakfast,’ or some people say it’s a song about nothing. But it’s really a song about a person who is alienated from everyone.”
This description put an existential twist on my later understanding of the song. According to one source, “Social alienation is a person’s feeling of disconnection from a group – whether friends, family, or wider society – with which the individual has an affiliation.”
My major quibble with that explanation regards the word “feeling.” The words we use matter, as I argue that a feeling relates to either an emotion or sensation. Colloquially, “feeling” is misused when relating to a thought, belief, hunch, and so on.
Of course, my objection to this term isn’t without merit. For instance, consider my approach to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and how I use psychoeducation to illustrate the process of self-disturbance when teaching people about the ABC model.
In its simplest form, the ABC model demonstrates that when an undesirable Activating event occurs and a person maintains an unhelpful Belief about the situation, it’s one’s attitude and not the event itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence (e.g., sorrow).
Rather than remaining self-disturbed by what you tell yourself about an event, the ABC model uses Disputation of unfavorable assumptions which can then lead to Effective new beliefs about the matter. Noteworthy, Activating events and Consequences aren’t Disputed using this model.
Only Beliefs which cause unpleasant emotions, sensations, behaviors, and additional thoughts are subject to challenge. Feelings, as they actually exist and not in reference to colloquial misuse of the word, fall into the category of a Consequential effect of one’s assumptions.
As feelings (Consequences) aren’t open for Disputation, I maintain that there’s merit in proper use of words regarding emotions and sensations. This is why I quibble with the notion that social alienation is a “feeling of disconnection.”
Regarding a song about alienation, it’s one’s Belief about disconnection from a group with which the individual has an affiliation – and not the mere Activating event related to being alienated – that causes unpleasant Consequences. Importantly, that Belief can be Disputed.
Or, cleverly stated, one’s self-upsetting assumptions can be da-da-da-da, da-da-da-disputed. If you’d like to know more about how to challenge unaccommodating beliefs, I’m here to assist.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Cox, J. (2015, October 18). Tracing the long, strange history of ‘Tom’s Diner’ [Image]. The Verge. Retrieved from https://www.theverge.com/2015/10/18/9014373/toms-diner-history-suzanne-vega-timeline
Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions
Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Existentialism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/existentialism
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2024, August 21). In-group and out-group distinction. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/in-group-and-out-group-distinction
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation
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Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation
Hollings, D. (2025, January 16). The words we use matter. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-words-we-use-matter
Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model
Top 2000 a GoGo. (2020, July 23). Suzanne Vega – Tom’s Diner | The story behind the song [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/D99PhzEIWuA?si=PGfxk6FcXXh90I3P
Vega, S. (2021, October 22). Suzanne Vega, DNA – Tom’s Diner [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/j4jtIDaeaWI?si=zkqczWctPOyEl-u7
Wikipedia. (n.d.). DNA (duo). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA_(duo)
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Social alienation. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_alienation
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Suzanne Vega. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzanne_Vega
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