When attending military police (MP) training at Fort McClellan, Alabama (AL) in 1997, a high school friend of mine who was attending the University of Tennessee (TN) would frequently provide much needed respite from my training schedule by taking me for visits with her family.
For some reason that I can’t explain she took a photo of me sleeping on an inflatable mattress. All these years later, I’m glad that she did. After all, I’m using the photo as a visual aid for the current blogpost while inviting you to consider that the question of why isn’t important.
Rather, it’s a question of how it was that my friend was able to catch me in a vulnerable position which matters. The answer is simple. I was tired, sleep is a necessary component of a healthy life, and my high school friend snapped a photo of me when in an unconscious state of being.
Quite often, when practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) with people, I find that they spend too much time exploring why situations occur rather than addressing a question of how to respond to these events. For context, I ask that you forgive me a personal anecdote.
Recently, I discussed the inevitability and inescapability of death with a friend (as one does). It isn’t difficult for individuals to waste what little time they have in life contemplating potential answers in regard to why we eventually die. Much of life is needlessly sacrificed in this manner.
Moving past the philosophical answers for questions to which I can’t fully provide a sufficient response, my friend recently inquired about how I persuade people to practice unconditional acceptance (UA). Are you familiar with this REBT concept?
If not, I invite you to consider that REBT uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
USA is merely a matter of acknowledging that I am a fallible human being and I have little control over myself, perhaps some influence over other people, and very little (if any) control or influence over most matters in life. Noteworthy, I don’t have to like or love that this is the case.
For instance, I may not have liked that my high school friend took a photo of me as I slept. However, the case is that regardless of what I believed ought to or not to have occurred, she got a picture of me sleeping. Therefore, the is-ought problem mattered very little (if at all).
In other words, rationally speaking—that which is in accordance with both logic and reason, I couldn’t derive an ought from an is. Thus, irrationally believing “she oughtn’t to have done that” would’ve been a waste of time, because she simply did as she did (is).
With USA, I acknowledge the limits of my abilities in life. Presuming that you understand this psychoeducational lesson, UOA may also be comprehendible for you. Because I can control only myself (and to a limited degree), I admit that I have no control and only influence over others.
Just as I’m an imperfect being, other people are flawed individuals. We may attempt to persuade one another to do or not do particular things, though UOA advocates doing so without absolutistic or conditional beliefs with which people often self-disturb.
For instance, I was able to influence my high school friend to retrieve me from AL and take me to TN during the course of my MP training. However, I couldn’t control whether or not she took a picture of me when I was asleep (because I was unconscious and didn’t know what occurred).
This brings me to the lesson on ULA. I’m a fallible human being, my high school friend was a flawed individual, and life itself is an imperfect existence. Pertinent to a question of how, ULA acknowledges the exceedingly limited control and influence people have in life.
In particular, people don’t maintain the ability to change the past and we are unlikely to effect change in a manner that we irrationally demand for the future. (Remember the is-ought problem and how what simply is doesn’t necessarily conform to what we believe ought to be.)
This is where the personal anecdote regarding a recent discussion about death with a friend is relevant. She presumably understands and believes in the concept of UA. However, there remained a question of how to actually practice ULA in regard to death.
My friend inquired something along the lines of, “How do you teach your clients to accept death?” Instinctively, I replied with my usual response about merely accepting what is. After all, this approach to rational living doesn’t violate the is-ought problem.
Yet, it became apparent to me that a question of how isn’t fully answered by an overly simplistic reply. Therefore, I present the current blogpost to (hopefully) better explain how to tolerate and accept the fact that you, everyone you’ve ever known, and everyone you’ll ever know will die.
Since my childhood, I was taught that I’d die. Death wasn’t a taboo topic within my home. Just as convinced as I was that I would take naps during the day and be required to go to sleep at bedtime, I understood in elementary school that death was an equally predictable outcome.
Of course, I couldn’t know exactly when I would die, only that it was a given consequence of living (because life and death are two sides of the same coin, so to speak). Likewise, liking or loving the fact that I’d one day rest forever wasn’t a matter of concern.
It simply is the case that all living beings (i.e., plants, animals, humans, etc.) will die. It doesn’t matter what one believes ought to or not to be the case. In this way, death was a predictable outcome as much as going to sleep at some point in the day or night was expected.
Presuming that you comprehend this rationally inarguable fact, I didn’t fear death as a child. The end of my existence (at least as it currently is in this physical form) was a certainty among the uncertain aspects of life. This is the concept of impermanence—all things shall one day pass.
Of course, I wasn’t elated when people close to me passed away. Besides, it’s natural to experience healthy negative emotions such as sorrow when someone we love dies. There’s no need to pathologize this matter—treat it as a psychologically abnormal process.
Equally, it’s unnecessary to dread one’s inevitable and inescapable death. As a matter of well-being, UA acknowledges the impermanence of life while inviting people to live well in order to die well. Being a question of how, you may inquire about how I accomplish this.
Because I don’t irrationally delude myself into believing that I’m somehow immune to the experience of death, I focus on purpose and meaning while alive. Purpose is what a person does and meaning is the value derived from fulfillment of what one does.
As an example, since I can control only myself, I changed career fields when I realized that law enforcement was no longer a proper path that was worthwhile for me. Now, as a psychotherapist, I try to help people live rationally (purpose) and this is a valuable endeavor for me (meaning).
If I die today, my lifelong goal of trying to help people will have been fulfilled. After all, I began the informal practice of life coaching in 1991 and started to work as a psychotherapist in 2011. Imperfectly, I’ve tried to help people increase their level of functioning and quality of life.
Trying is all I’ve set out to do, as I’ve already succeeded in this endeavor. Therefore, a question of how I advocate acceptance is presented in the humanistic approach to both living and dying outlined herein.
Acknowledge what simply is, practice UA, explore purpose and meaning, and live well in order to die well (rather than going out kicking and screaming, as though you didn’t expect to one day die). That answers a question of how.
In closing, I will go to sleep later this evening. I know that’s an experience that will occur. About this matter, I’m not fearful. So, too, is the case for my eventual death (though with some degree of uncertainty regarding exactly when it will occur).
There’s no reason to self-disturb about what simply is. Of course, the choice is yours. A virtually countless number of people torture themselves with unfavorable beliefs about death, even when some of these individuals have an answer about how not to do so. What will you choose to do?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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