From an existentialist perspective, I remain curious of statements made by parents in regard to wanting a nice and easy life for their children. Many of these adults didn’t have fairytale upbringings, so I’m interested about the appeal of providing a utopic life for their kids.
If a challenging childhood is what fostered resilience for these parents to become successful enough to provide an improved lifestyle; how might their children be affected by lacking experience with objectionable events until reaching adulthood?
The reasoning seems counterintuitive. Using a syllogism, this is what I understand about such statements:
Form –
If p, then q; if q, then r; therefore, if p, then r.
Example –
If my challenging childhood was unenjoyable, then I want to make my kid’s childhood nice and easy.
If I want to make my kid’s childhood nice and easy, then my kid won’t learn to overcome challenge in life.
Therefore, if my challenging childhood was unenjoyable, then my kid won’t learn to overcome challenge in life.
Is this an advisable strategy for living – to foster a nice and easy life, because one’s own childhood was challenging? It appears as though this illogical and unreasonable strategy may promote low frustration tolerance rather than high frustration tolerance regarding a child.
There’s no need to mistake what I’m advocating herein, because I’m not declaring that one should, must, or ought to make a child’s life as uncomfortable as possible. Likewise, I’m certainly not suggesting that child abuse is a morally good method of rearing a child.
Let’s not be silly. Rather, I’m curious about how a child growing up with relative niceties and ease will learn to navigate the complex system of existence when the kid inevitably self-disturbs with irrational beliefs about the self, others, and life. This is, after all, the human condition.
Revisiting the existentialist lens through which I perceive life, each of us is born and will inevitably die. In between the cradle and the grave, we will all suffer to some extent. Being charitable to the reader’s sensibilities, I’ll presume that one doesn’t disagree with these truthful claims.
Therefore, I value the tenets of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) which relate to the ABC model and unconditional acceptance. The former teaches people how to reduce personal suffering while the latter affords individuals an opportunity to tolerate and accept adversity.
These principles aren’t the same concept as promotion of a nice and easy life. Rather, REBT acknowledges that although undesirable and displeasing events exist, people can push through challenges in life and establish sufferance.
When considering this matter, I’m reminded of lyrist Lupe Fiasco’s 2007 album Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool. The anthology contains a song called “Hip-Hop Saved My Life,” featuring the vocals of Nikki Jean. The lyricist begins the track thusly:
He said, “I write what I see
Write to make it right, don’t like where I be
I’d like to make it like the sights on TV
Quite the great life, so nice and easy.”
Sí, now you can still die from that
But it’s better than not being alive from straps
Lupe Fiasco describes a man who grew up in adverse circumstances and envisioning success, wanting to live a nice and easy life that he observes of people from television. Thus, the motivation to achieve his interests and goals leads to the man grinding—working hard to achieve success.
Through the lens of existentialism, I recognize that even celebrities and other people viewed on television will suffer and eventually die. All the same, my viewpoint isn’t suggestive of giving up on one’s goals. Quite the contrary.
Instead, I invite people to consider what led to the grind in the first place. Experiencing a life that isn’t nice and easy led the man in the song to grind. Hard work and dedication may’ve been lost on him had he otherwise experienced a cushy life.
In the same vein, I find that the challenging process of REBT requires hard work and dedication in order to achieve desired effects. Still, the result of REBT practice isn’t going to completely remove suffering, nor is there a promise for a nice and easy life with use of this modality.
Whether one achieves success through writing and performing rap lyrics or from frequent practice of REBT, as Lupe Fiasco accurately states, “you can still die” regardless of what you’re doing. Keeping this fundamental truth in mind isn’t a nice or easy consideration.
Nevertheless, it serves as a form of grounding – a tethering to reality so that goal-attainment through rapping, practicing REBT, or otherwise remains sensible. It’s the opposite of what one perceives regarding the lives of people on television or social media.
Therefore, I submit that raising children to understand how to grind toward realistic goals is perhaps more purposeful and meaningful than striving to provide a nice and easy life. Nikki Jean melodically sings on the chorus of “Hip-Hop Saved My Life”:
One you never heard of, I
Push it harder, to further the
Grind might feel like murder, but
Hip hop, you saved me
The grind isn’t easy. Often, it may unfavorably seem like a proverbially murderous affair to put an end to one’s own impractical aims and accept life and death as they are. Nevertheless, practice of existentialism and REBT techniques can literally save one’s life. (Ask me how I know.)
I suppose the message stated herein isn’t one of syrupy-sweet hopefulness a person may irrationally expect from a mental, emotional, and behavioral health care provider. After all, people on television and social media may’ve convinced the reader to value idealism over realism.
In any case, I consider the content of this blogpost to be pragmatically hopeful for children and adults alike. Reject it if you disagree. On the other hand, if you accept reality and would like to know more about how REBT may save your life, or at least improve it, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Atlantic Records. (2009, October 26). Lupe Fiasco - Hip-Hop Saved My Life (feat. Nikki Jean) [Official video] [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/Z3YV1hzALHs?si=KmPmvLFN4M7Zdcg-
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