A Letting Go Kind of Love

[DISCLAIMER]

I recall the opening scene of the action thriller film Cliffhanger (1993) in which Sylvester Stallone’s character attempted to save a woman from falling to her death as they both hung from a thin wire within a mountainous region. For some reason, that scene stuck with me.

Apparently, my memory failed to capture a key detail. In particular, one subreddit thread humorously states:

In Cliffhanger (1993), Stallone uses his one available hand to keep a woman from falling to her death. Eventually, his grip gives out and the poor woman dies. Immediately after, Stallone’s other hand becomes available to cover his tears. This is because he would look silly if anyone saw him cry.

Photo credit, property of TriStar Pictures, fair use

Plausibly, Stallone’s character was able to use his lower extremities in order to support himself so that he could shield his face from others who witnessed him crying. In any case, for me, that scene served as an analogy for letting go when situations become too burdensome in life.

Even though Stallone’s character didn’t intend to let go of the woman, I’ve remembered the scene (although imperfectly) in respect to relationships of various types. Sometimes, I’ve wanted or needed to let go of people. At other times, they’ve wanted or needed to let go of me.

Earlier, when listening to “That’s Love” by Oddisee, one of my favorite lyricists, I thought of this concept. As a side note, Oddisee’s 2015 album The Good Fight is as close to hip hop perfection as a fallible human being can come. As such, I highly recommend it! Yet, I digress.

On the track, Oddisee delivers a third verse that – when played on my continuously shuffling music list while working out earlier – generally results in me stopping my physical training and contemplating life. In this case, I thought about love this morning. Oddisee states:

Ooooooo, we try to tell ourselves

That we don’t really need it anymore

As if a million dollars, or the bottom of a bottle,

Or a carton never cheated me before

So you started with the “I don’t need it, all I need is money”

“You can give it to me, but you’ll never get it from me”

Yeah, you refused to play, but you was still in the game

Like it, or not, let me explain

Now see

There’s a tough kind, a too much kind

A not enough kind, a rather rushed kind

And the abrupt kind, a go nuts kind

A hold up, maybe we should take it slow kind

A when you know kind, it started off as friends

But then over time, began to show kind

And if we love each other, but we can’t stay together

We’ll do worse than better, gotta go kind

And that’s love

When I speak of relationships herein, I’m referring to friendships, intimate partner relationships, therapeutic alliances, and virtually any other imaginable relationship in which other people are held in high regard. For you, does any particular relationship come to mind?

Likewise, when speaking of love, I’m not merely referencing a romantic variety. For instance, love between a parent and child, love for a deceased relative, love friends share among each other, love I have for some clients, and other forms of love count for the sake of this discussion.

In “That’s Love,” I was reminded of a former friend when Oddisee expressed the “started off as friends but then over time, began to show kind.” For context, I was once in touch with a woman for a number of years who eventually confessed that she had fallen in love with me.

Being with her wasn’t a feasible option, due to multiple reasons – not the least of which was that I’d already gone my own way and denounced intimate partner relationships. With this decision, my friend became “love sick” and disturbed herself using beliefs about perceived rejection.

To understand what I’m suggesting, first, it’s important to know how the ABC model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) functions. Second, it’s worth noting that I’m speculating herein, because my former friend let go of me before explaining her decision and behavior.

REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.

Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For example, my friend told me that she had fallen in love with me (Action) and I was reminded of a time in which I’d fallen in love with another friend (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, events can remind us of other occurrences.

Still, from a B-C outlook, when I informed my friend that my love for her wouldn’t be of a romantic nature (Action), she plausibly Believed something like, “Love must be requited, this is an awful experience, I can’t stand being rejected, and I’m worthless if not loved.”

Honestly, I don’t know which of the four major self-disturbing beliefs recognized by REBT were used by my friend. Speculating what could’ve been the case, I used each kind in this example. From a B-C perspective, Beliefs of this sort can cause unpleasant Consequences.

As a matter of conjecture, I suspect that my friend experienced self-induced shame about perceived rejection versus reasoning that I merely established a healthy boundary. Aside from an emotional reaction, she also let go of me by neglecting to answer my attempts at contact.

According to one source, “Ghosting, simmering and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication and avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.”

My friend ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her in years. In essence, she was hanging from a proverbial wire in a mountainous region and she let go of our relationship which fell to its hyperbolized death. Regarding this Action, I’m not self-disturbed by unfavorable Beliefs.

This is because I regularly use REBT. In this case, my E-C connection (Effective new belief-Consequence connection) is, as Oddisee stated, “And if we love each other, but we can’t stay together, we’ll do worse than better – gotta go kind. And that’s love.”

I loved my friend…as a friend. My friend loved me…as more than a friend. What could be done to resolve this tension? Noteworthy, Oddisee’s use of the word “gotta” represents a helpful recommendatory should belief.

In essence, if my friend perceivably couldn’t stop loving me, she recommendatorily should’ve let me go. After all, I’m the one who practiced REBT. She didn’t. Ergo, letting go of the thing that perceivably will pull you downward to your proverbial death is a matter of self-preservation.

I can understand and appreciate that. Of course, I would’ve preferred that my friend and I could’ve used a rational living approach to the matter. Through use of REBT techniques, we could’ve remained in touch. Alas, this wasn’t the outcome.

Herein, I’ve imagined my friend using a helpful recommendatory should belief. In actuality, she likely used an unhelpful conditional should belief such as, “Either Deric and I will be in love together, or we shouldn’t be in contact at all.” One may only speculate in this regard.

Ultimately, I use unconditional acceptance for this event. Life is a matter of impermanence and uncertainty, my friend and I loved one another very much, I couldn’t control or influence her behavior, and so I tolerate and accept the fact that she had a letting go kind of love.

Perhaps you’ve endured a similar experience. Maybe you’ve hung from an analogous wire and let someone go. Perchance, you were the one falling away from someone who let go of you. A letting go kind of love doesn’t gotta be devastating.

In the current blog entry, I’ve illustrated how not to self-disturb with unproductive beliefs about such matters. If you’d like to know more about the subtleties of REBT practice, I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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R/shittymoviedetails. (2023). In Cliffhanger (1993), Stallone uses his one available hand to keep a woman from falling to her death. Eventually, his grip gives out and the poor woman dies. Immediately after, Stallone’s other hand becomes available to cover his tears. This is because he would look silly if anyone saw him cry [Image]. Reddit. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com/r/shittymoviedetails/comments/11ttlg6/in_cliffhanger_1993_stallone_uses_his_one/

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