Imagine being in an intimate partner relationship with a person who demands frequent piggyback rides—rides given to someone by carrying the individual on one’s back while the carried person wraps one’s legs around the carriers’ waist and holds on to the individual’s upper body area.
To simplify this matter, suppose Jane Doe requires that John Doe give her many piggyback rides. Is Jane’s appeal for John’s behavior one that is considered a necessity—the quality or state of being in need? Would Jane be able to survive the relationship without piggyback rides?
To briefly examine this matter, it may be useful to define terms. A demand is defined as something claimed as due or owed (e.g., payment for working a shift at your job). Something that is necessary is considered absolutely needed or required (i.e., air, water, food, etc.).
Given this clarification, is Jane’s demand for John to provide frequent piggyback rides a necessary one? Presuming that you use logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”) thinking, it’s preposterous to consider Jane’s requirement as relating to necessity. In fact, it’s irrational.
Although this example may seem absurd to you, I once encountered similar circumstances when working with couples in my role as a psychotherapist. Joyfully, gone are those days!
When providing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) intervention strategies, I found it helpful to draw similar distinctions regarding wants versus needs as the example used herein. In particular, I used the ABC model to provide psychoeducational lessons about demandingness.
The ABC model illustrates that when an undesirable Action occurs and an individual Believes some unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s one’s unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This effect is called self-disturbance.
One of the four major irrational beliefs recognized in REBT literature is demandingness. This unproductive personal narrative is often used in association with “should,” “must,” or, “ought” beliefs, such as Jane unhelpfully believing, “John must provide frequent piggyback rides!”
Noteworthy, there remains a difference between a demand and a desire—to want, long, or hope for something. Whereas an unmet demand results in self-disturbed fear, anger, sorrow, or disgust, an unrealized desire leads to frustration, disappointment, irritation, or annoyance.
This is an important distinction I once used to convey to clients when providing couples counseling. (Oh, thankfully those days are long behind me!) Regarding this matter, the authors of Creative Marriage state (pages 140 and 141):
[A]s soon as one demands anything, the possibility always exists, and must on some level of consciousness be acknowledged, that one may not get one’s demands fulfilled. By definition, however, a demanded thing is a necessary one; and if there is a possibility that one will not get a necessity, one must almost inevitably be anxious about this.
If, on the other hand, one merely wants or prefers something, the recognition that it is possible that one will not get it produces merely irritation or annoyance or disappointment rather than deep-seated anxiety.
Unless Jane is willing to completely eliminate all desire that may cause frustration, disappointment, irritation, or annoyance – or dispute all irrational beliefs which cause fear, anger, sorrow, or disgust – then two plausible options remain.
Either Jane treats her desire for frequent piggyback rides as nothing more than a mere preference or she rigidly concludes that her supposed demand for such rides is necessary. Would it surprise you to know that many people with whom I once worked chose the latter? Gone are those days!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Cookie_studio. (n.d.). Closeup of man looking straight, girl sitting on man’s back [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/closeup-man-looking-straight-girl-sitting-man-s-back_8741335.htm#fromView=search&page=2&position=27&uuid=dec80724-4d8b-4fed-87a6-a2827f0660b5&query=a+couple
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions
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Hollings, D. (2022, August 8). Was Freud right? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/was-freud-right
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