When in graduate school for counseling (2009-2011), I met a fellow student and we began an intimate partner relationship. That was during the time that I first learned about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Perhaps advantageously to us both, that relationship didn’t work out.
At that stage in my approach to care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health, I understood and believed in REBT. However, I didn’t frequently practice the psychotherapeutic modality. As such, I self-disturbed with unfavorable self-narratives about the breakup. I’ll explain herein.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral effects as Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym G.L.A.D.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves when using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
For example, my girlfriend terminated our romantic relationship (Action) and as a result we no longer engaged in intimate activities (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, breakups occur and people may not be able to reconnect in an intimate manner even when remaining in contact.
Yet from a B-C perspective, when the breakup occurred (Action) and I unfavorably Believed, “Life sucks (G) and I can’t stand not being with her (L), because it’s awful being apart (A), so we should reconnect (D),” then I self-disturbed into a miserable condition (Consequence).
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, REBT uses Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s substituted for an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Helpfully, REBT further uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
For instance, I knew when undergoing graduate studies that I was a fallible human being with illogical and unreasonable (collectively “irrational”) expectations. Using USA, without unproductive conditions, I eventually accepted that I self-disturbed about the breakup.
Likewise, I flexibly acknowledged that my ex-girlfriend was imperfect and that our relational expectations were merely misaligned, which wasn’t an appraisal on how good or bad either of us presumably were. Thus, I was able to use UOA instead of making worse of an undesirable event.
Additionally, without protest or reaction, I endured truth about reality in regard to the impermanence and uncertainty of life. Using ULA, I honestly admitted to myself that there was never a guarantee to remain with anyone and that my past relationships were unalterable.
Once I was able to use the tenets of rational living described herein – which requires frequent practice of REBT – I eventually reached a logical and reasonable conclusion in regard to intimate partner relationships. Notably, this proposed outcome applied solely to me.
Unaware of the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) movement back then, I developed a rational concept of me going my own way (MGMOW). Favorably, and not through use of rationalization, I recall experiencing overwhelming relief when drawing this conclusion.
However, when sharing this news with my now-late stepmom, I was chided for my decision. I don’t suspect that she intended to instill guilt or shame when telling me something to the effect of, “You know, baby, the Bible says it’s not good to be alone.”
To the contrary, 1 Corinthians 7:1 states, “Now for the matters you wrote about: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” This wasn’t an advisement for men to become homosexual, though to abstain from sexual intercourse altogether.
Likewise, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 states, “8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” The “should” used here isn’t unproductive.
Rather, it represents use of a recommendatory should belief which isn’t considered unhelpful, unhealthy, or self-disturbing in REBT literature. Of course, by the time my stepmom offered her objection, I’d already used UA to a beneficial degree. My mind was made up and that was that.
Nevertheless, life being the imperfect experience that it is, I again met a fellow student when in graduate school for social work (2012-2014) and we engaged in an intimate partner relationship from fall of 2013 to February 2015, as it’s been 10 years since that breakup.
Helpfully, I was able to use REBT techniques competently enough – though not perfectly – to refocus my efforts on a chosen MGMOW lifestyle. What I once lacked in commitment to this subjective approach to rational living has since been remedied.
As such, it’s been over a decade since I’ve engaged in any intimate partner activities, with the exception of one brief moment when a woman held my hand without consent. Other than that, I’ve achieved a peaceful and content level of well-being in association with my chosen lifestyle.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of the 2018 album Tomorrow Could Be the Day Things Change by lyricist Classified. In particular, the song “10 Years,” featuring the soothing vocals of Ruby Waters, comes to mind. The catchy chorus states:
Do you remember when the days were easier
And everybody took the time
Well I would like to say that there is still a way
To live that life and end up fine
On the track, Classified reflects upon the ages of 10, 20, and 30 while noting how different stages of life bring with them distinct experiences which are offered as perspective later in life. Personally, the chorus suggests a method of establishing contentment with what simply is.
I keep this psychoeducational lesson in mind when reflecting upon my own life. For instance, I was married when I was 28-years-old, the woman I loved during my social work graduate studies left me when I was 38, and now I write this post in a statement of contentment at 48-years-old.
Thinking of the chorus of “10 Years,” I remember when days were both harder and easier, and when people hurried up or took their time. Additionally, I know that there’s a way to live a life of chaos or peace, as I’ve chosen the latter and ended up fine (so far).
This, I do by accepting what is rather than unhelpfully demanding what I believe ought to be (i.e., the is-ought problem). Relationships of all sorts come and they go. Nevertheless, I value the perspective that Classified offers in “10 Years,” as the lyricist states:
And when I hit 30, big 30
Had a baby, built her a nursery
Found love and married an Aries
And yearly, we celebrate our anniversary, yeah
Me and my boys, I don’t see as much
But still catch up now and then
Throwing host parties instead of clubs
And it’s just us, couple o’ our friends
And I’m good with that, yeah, I’m cool with that
Trying to look ahead instead of looking back
And I never thought that it wouldn’t last
And we’ve grown apart like the wooded path
In the forest we played in when we were 10
And what I know now, wish I knew then
‘Cause I miss them days, I miss them days
But after tomorrow I’ll miss today
We can self-disturb about the path behind us. All the same, tomorrow we’ll reflect upon today and we may miss it, as well. Worth noting, there’s nothing inherently wrong with missing remnants of the past.
In fact, there are fleeting moments when I’ll miss some aspect of the life I shared with my last ex-girlfriend. Still, there’s a difference between appreciating the loss of yesteryear and disturbing oneself with unfavorable beliefs about it. I choose the former, not the latter.
How about you? What were you doing 10 years ago? What may you be doing 10 years from now? How about the present, do you self-disturb about what ought to be when simply facing what is?
If so, perhaps REBT can help you to achieve a eudaimonic state of being—enjoying a life well-lived. This is done largely through the Stoic techniques incorporated into a helpful model of rational living. If you’d like to know more about REBT, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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